Surprised by Love?

While cleaning the espresso machine at work today I was suddenly struck by this thought: "I love God."

How odd. I'm not sure how to describe it. It wasn't like the prepubescent friendship bracelets (that I despised) which proclaimed in neon pink "I <3 Jesus" just as easily as they could have said "I <3 Cats".

Nor was it a sudden revelation as though I'd never known that I loved Him before.

It was different. I thought, "I love God." I also knew He was telling me that He loved me, and that He was with me even in the tedious moment of cleaning the espresso machine.

I often find it difficult to say that I love God. I always feel like it has to be backed up by my actions. While that is true, it can easily turn into legalism. I'm beginning to think that loving God with my feelings and my actions is meant to be an endless circle, not a linear progression, or a discussion of which one is better. For example: I act like I love God, therefore I feel like I love God, therefore I act like I love God, therefore I feel like I love God, therefore. . . .

The problem is that I don't always act like I love God, which invalidates my feeling like I love God. That's like going the wrong direction in the circle. But rather than getting discouraged I should just turn around (repent) and start walking in the right direction again.

I guess that's what it was like today in front of that dirty espresso machine. I thought, "I love God," and suddenly I wanted to act like I love God. I realized all the ways that I haven't been acting like I love God. Sins of commission as well as omission. Rather than despairing, I wanted to make it right.

It was one of those moments of feeling His love for me, of Him coming up from behind me and surprising me with His presence.

It was also significant to realize that I love God, because (I'll admit it) as a single woman I often long for a man to love. Yet, He reminded me that in loving Him, my life is far from empty. . . it is as it should be.

I'm still struck by the peculiarity of it. I at work, suddenly having a very spiritual and worshipful moment, unbeknownst to the regular customer who was sitting at the counter behind me. How very significant though, that not long after that, this same customer, before he left, said, "Kristin, you're a religious person. . . what do you think about the war?" Wow. I wish I could say that I gave the most amazing answer, but I did bring God into the picture, and the Spirit enabled me to say things that I normally would have been too afraid to say.

So that's that. I needed to blog this. I needed to process through it some before going to bed.

[Note: I tried to find the perfect illustration for this post, but couldn't find what I was looking for. Picture either a gorgeous sunrise, or if you've seen the movie "Stardust" picture the way Yvaine looks when she is shining with love for Tristan.]

From Baking to Musing

I have a green thumb. And it's not because I'm good with plants. I just happened to touch green sprinkles when my hands were wet. I'm not sure why, but sometimes I just get in the mood to bake something. Nothing fancy. Just simple and sweet. Preferably something that I can make with the things I have on hand. I have a guess that it's because my sisters and I used to do the same thing growing up. Some evenings we would look at each other and say, "Wanna bake something?" and then we would thumb through mom's recipes to find something that didn't require an ingredient we didn't have. Sometimes we would take so long deciding that we never made anything at all. But it was fun. We learned important lessons like "Don't giggle while pouring ingredients," as well as not to forget very important ingredients. The best baking blunder was discovered by Mindy: "Don't pretend to throw an egg on the floor; it will slip through your fingers anyway."

So tonight, for whatever unknown reason, the itch to bake something came upon me. I thumbed through mine and my roommate's recipes, and almost gave up when I looked at the back of the Jiffy baking mix box. I found a simple sugar cookie recipe, and decorated them with Christmas sprinkles. Hence the green on my thumb and forefinger. They are done now, and they don't have quite the right consistency. Kind of a mix between pancake, biscuit, and cookie consistency. I guess that's what happens when you use Jiffy. But they are still good, and my itch is satisfied.

But this reminds me of something I've been thinking about recently: the itch that must be satisfied. I search for satisfaction in so many things. Thanksgiving was last week, and I knew that even with all the things I am thankful for that my heart is discontent in so many ways. In August it was "If only I had a job." God gave me a job. In September it was "If only I had a car." God gave me a car. Now through October and November it's been "If only I had a different job that actually involves music." I know it's significant the way I ache to be using music more in my life. . . God wired me that way. But I also can't help but look at the pattern and wonder if I'm just trying to satisfy the deeper longings that can only be satisfied by God Himself? I'll admit this as well: lately it has also been "If only there were a significant other in my life."

This is so wrong! It's like I'm looking at God as though He's holding out on me. I'm not trusting Him to know what is best for His purposes in my life. Notice, I didn't say "what is best for me." I think we often forget that God has greater purposes for us than merely our personal well-being. Yet, because we know that He is good, we know that His purposes are ultimately good even if they involve present difficulty, suffering, or pain. What I'm going through definitely does not qualify as pain or suffering. It might not even qualify as difficulty. There are people who truly are experiencing pain, suffering, and difficulty right now. And I sit here with food, clothing, a house, a car, a job, friends, the internet, and the list could go on. . . Discontent!!

Rather than asking God why He's holding out on me I should be asking Him why on earth He is being so good to me.

I need to remember the things He has tried to teach me before. What happened to the song I wrote with the words, "I will be satisfied in You alone. I will be satisfied cause my heart has a home." Or the song we used to sing in chapel, "There's only one place where I'll find what I'm looking for. There's only one true fountain that satisfies my soul. Only You, You're the fountain of living water. Only You satisfy my soul. You're the source of eternal pleasure. Only You satisfy my soul."

Yes, it would be great to be doing more with music right now. No, I don't want to be a waitress forever. Lord, You know. But my primary concern should be His kingdom and His righteousness. I know very well that that has not been the case. I know that my concern has been my personal satisfaction and well-being. Oh God, forgive me.

There is an itch that must be satisfied, but only our Maker can satisfy it. It's the hole that only He can fill. Funny that baking cookies could help remind me of that.

The Adventurous Life?

I can be so quick to jump at adventures that aren't so practical. What I need to realize is that I don't need to be in another country to be part of something great. I've been missing Asian countries, and then when I heard that the school where I taught in Korea is short on teachers next month something tugged at my heart. My heart also gets tugged at when I hear about the things happening in Israel. Yet, I felt a similar tug while driving through Scranton on a Sunday morning.
Father, may I be moved with compassion in the true sense of the word "moved."
I need to learn speak boldly as I ought to speak.
I also need to have a better understanding of adventure. It doesn't happen somewhere else.

Reflections on Isaiah 55

Why spend money on that which does not satisfy? Even food does not satisfy. Eat what is good: the rich food of God's words. Listen to Him. Delight in His words. Hear, that your soul may live. My soul's nourishment comes from His words. The wine and milk of His words have no price. How especially clear this is to me now that I am buying my own groceries, things that run out and have to be replaced.

I need to listen because His thoughts are as different from mine as the skies are far from the earth. The earth and skies really do not meet. Nomatter how high the highest mountains are, there is still so much sky soaring above them. So even the wisest, godliest person is wicked and in need of conforming his thoughts to God's.

The water that comes down from the sky does not return without doing some good. It nourishes the ground, allowing things to grow, allowing others to eat. That's why He sends His word. It's the bridge that spans the earth and sky. Bringing down His thoughts to us, nourishing us so that we can grow and so that others can eat of His goodness in us.

I read through Isaiah over a year ago, and I keep coming back to certain chapters. I finally figured out the connection between the illustrations in this chapter. It's tied together with the theme of His nourishing words.

On a different note,

On a different note, I've been reminded about why I haven't dated much and why "casual dating" just wouldn't work well for me. An oldies song put it well, "When I give my heart, it will be completely, or I'll never give my heart." Some people can date and keep their heads on straight. I went on a date once "with no strings attached" and it took me more than a year to recover. It's more of a statement about the way my heart works. I know I need to grow stronger in discernment and self control. I also know I need to keep holding out for a higher standard, because I too easily convince myself that the standard is lower. Most importantly this has reminded me that I keep looking for love in other sources when I need to find it in my Lord and Savior, the spring of Living Water.
This is also a theological journey. Where the rubber meets the road. I believe that if God has a husband for me, that person is special, one of a kind, and a better fit for me than the guys I have seen. Therefore I'll trust God, and wait, and lean on His wisdom. Also, if I truly believe that He is my portion I will not allow my heart to wander so quickly and seek to attach itself so easily.

Why Easter is Difficult for Me

Today has been a great day, but Easter is a hard holiday for me to grapple with. "Let's celebrate the resurrection of Jesus. . . with bunnies and eggs. "

I even feel funny saying to people, "Happy Easter!" but I didn't know what else to say, so I said it anyway. I'm even eating marshmallow peeps and jelly beans right now. I'm such a syncretist. I used to get upset at people who would point out how off-center our holiday traditions are, but now I'm getting fed up with it. This day is supposed to be about the resurrection of our Passover Lamb, but now even believers get distracted by pagan traditions.

This is why I can't stand it: The Christian "passover" was for the first 3 centuries celebrated on the 14th day of the Jewish month Nisan, before the first day of Jewish Passover. This was the date that He was crucified, and it would have been inescapable for Christians to understand the significance of Him being crucified in conjunction with the Jewish Passover. I'm guessing that they would have been having their seders at the same time as their Jewish friends, "doing this in remembrance of Me."

But by the year 325, Christian antisemitism was in full swing. One of the topics for discussion at the Council of Nicaea was the "separation of Easter from the Jewish Passover." Emperor Constantine was an influence in this for his own antisemitic reasons:

Constantine wrote that: "… it appeared an unworthy thing that in the celebration of this most holy feast we should follow the practice of the Jews, who have impiously defiled their hands with enormous sin, and are, therefore, deservedly afflicted with blindness of soul. … Let us then have nothing in common with the detestable Jewish crowd; for we have received from our Saviour a different way."^[21] Theodoret recorded the Emperor as saying: "It was, in the first place, declared improper to follow the custom of the Jews in the celebration of this holy festival, because, their hands having been stained with crime, the minds of these wretched men are necessarily blinded. … Let us, then, have nothing in common with the Jews, who are our adversaries. … avoiding all contact with that evil way. … who, after having compassed the death of the Lord, being out of their minds, are guided not by sound reason, but by an unrestrained passion, wherever their innate madness carries them. … a people so utterly depraved. … Therefore, this irregularity must be corrected, in order that we may no more have any thing in common with those parricides and the murderers of our Lord. … no single point in common with the perjury of the Jews."

Constantine's conversion to Christianity is disputed. He was of the sort that collected gods almost like good luck charms.

So they regulated the celebration of Christian passover to a date on the Roman calendar. Always a Sunday, because he arose on a Sunday. In conjunction with the spring equinox. I've learned that it's disputed whether or not "Easter" comes from Babylonian celebrations of Ishtar/Esther/Ashteroth, goddess of love and sensuality. Yet, it is known that the English and Germanic "Easter" originated as a spring holiday having to do with fertility. Hence bunnies and eggs.

I had heard the disputes over the paganism of Easter before, but now that I know about the council of Nicaea and Constantine's part in changing the holiday it leaves even more of a sour taste in my mouth. Why don't people know this? All we ever hear is that "Christians celebrate Easter on a Sunday because the resurrection was on a Sunday," and maybe something about the fact that it was during Passover. How many people know that "the last supper" was a Passover seder. . . and that it wasn't coincidence?

This is why bunnies and eggs make my stomach turn during these days. This is why I find it even more repulsive when Christians try to use "Resurrection eggs" and other Easter traditions to teach their kids about Jesus.

He is risen indeed! I'd rather say that than "Happy Easter" any day!

Do Not I Love Thee?

Lately a prayer of mine has been, "Lord, teach me to love You," because I'm becoming increasingly aware of the fact that I'm incapable of loving Him in my own power. My love is imperfect. I need to love a perfect being with perfect love, His love.

I was present for a discussion about how we can "show that we love God," but I kept thinking that didn't make sense. If I love God, won't it show naturally? Rather than asking how I can show my love for God, I must ask whether or not I truly love God!

I'm often afraid of being to quick to say that I love God. The Word is full of judgment for those that say they love God, but show otherwise by their actions.

My heart is prone to wander. It easily makes idols.

Do not I love Thee, Oh my Lord?
Behold my heart and see
And turn each cursed idol out
That dares to rival Thee.

Do not I love Thee from my soul
Then let me ever love!
Dead be my heart to every joy
When Jesus cannot move.

Thou knowest I love Thee, dearest Lord,
But Oh, I long to soar
Far from the sphere of mortal joys
And learn to love Thee more.

A Good Book

I'm reading The Chosen by Chaim Potok. It is about two young Jewish boys from different sects of Judaism who become friends. It takes place during the 1940's and shows their reactions to the events of World War II. It is enjoyable to read, and also informative about Jewish life and thought.

The story is told through Reuven Malter's eyes. He is Orthodox, with an aptitude for mathematics and a desire to become a rabbi. His father is a kind and gentle scholar. Danny Saunders is Hasidic, in line to take his father's place as a tzaddik, but instead he would rather study psychology.

So far my favorite character has been Reuven's father. I love the relationship that Reuven and his father share. They talk about everything, and whenever Reuven is confused about anything he knows that he can consult his dad. This is in stark contrast to Danny and his father, who only talk to each other when they are discussing Talmud. They are incapable of talking to each other about anything else. I just read this paragraph spoken by Danny about his relationship with his father:

"You want to know how I feel about my father? I admire him. I don't know what he's trying to do to me with this weird silence that he's established between us, but I admire him. I think he's a great man. I respect him and trust him completely, which is why I think I can live with his silence. I don't know why I trust him, but I do. And I pity him, too. Intellectually, he's trapped. He was born trapped. I don't ever want to be trapped the way he's trapped. I want to be able to breathe, to think what I want to think, to say the things I want to say."

I just think it's interesting, the relationship of father and child, and how we percieve our fathers. I wonder why it is that even when someone has a distant relationship with their father that they can still have utmost respect for them.

I also liked what Reuven's father said in response to the news of the holocaust, after it came out: "The Jewish world is changed. A madman has destroyed our treasures. If we do not rebuild Jewry in America, we will die as a people." Reading this book is good insight into how Jews in America responded to the holocaust.

So, this is my random book review. I'm not finished with it yet, but these are some things that I like about it so far.

Lessons in Faith

I've had this experience before, having to rely on God for the next steps of my life, but it's been a while. I guess I thought I had learned the lesson. I always counseled people, “There have been times when I had no idea what to do, but God always showed me in His timing, not mine.” Well, as we know about lessons learned, they always come back, but each time the heat gets turned up a little. The purpose is to strengthen our faith. The choice for me right now is not to decide where I want to go or what I want to do. The choice is to believe that God is GOD, that His character is secure, and to act upon the truth of Who He is. To cower back in fear is to dishonor His Name. It makes everything we do into a spiritual act if we do it out of the knowledge of who God is.

Many unrelated people keep telling me the same things: “Don't think about it too much. You're over-analyzing. You'll drive yourself crazy.” They are right. It all comes back to God and who He is. All the thinking and over-analyzing makes me want to run away screaming. It gives me absolutely no desire to live the kind of life I want to live. (Right now I am listening to Nichole Nordeman singing, “You make me want to live/You came to shake us and to wake us up to something more than we'd always settled for.”)

As my roommate said last night, “Just visiting a school is not a commitment to go there. You might visit and decide to do something different, but unless you try you will never know.”

O LORD, my heart is not lifted up; my eyes are not raised too high; I do not occupy myself with things too great and too marvelous for me. But I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child is my soul within me.
(Psa 131:1-2)

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us. Selah.
(Psa 62:5-8)

My soul, do not lose hope. Hope in God.

Some Thoughts Inspired by Tolkien's World

I wrote this in my journal a few weeks ago, and I realized that it would be appropriate to post here. This was inspired by reading The Fellowship of the Ring again and watching all the Lord of the Rings movies over break.

1/1/07
Why do these stories fill me with so much longing? I'm always sad when it's over, as though that's where life truly lies. But it's not. It's all fantasy, a huge world fabricated by one man: Tolkien. Why do they affect us so? Why do I love them so much?



Am I getting too wrapped up in the entertainment and failing to see the useful truths? There are so many experiences that I can identify with, and also admirable qualities. I love Eowin, she is lovely and strong, full of grace, a leader of her people. She falls for the best of men, which is heartbreaking for her, but she was meant all along for Faramir who is just as honorable and good as Aragorn. I love Sam, for the strength that he gives to his friend. It reminds me of Rachel and I, striving together against sin.

Tolkien has not written out of a complete vacuum. . . there is a King we await. He is good and true. A Healer. A Savior. He will come in battle to rid this world of evil.

Maybe that's what I long for. . . the happy ending, the righting of wrongs, the redemption and restoration of all things. Even so, come quickly! Working at the mall is such a constant reminder of evil. I hate sin! I hate what it does to people when they should be beautiful, like the mother and father of our race. Maybe Tolkien doesn't give me a blind eye to the real world as I thought before. . . Maybe he helps me see the world in its basic elements. Good and evil, beauty and ugliness, and a war between the two. [But I don't mean the sort of yin and yang dualism, where both sides are of equal strength. We know that God is the victor.]

We view the world at such a shallow level most of the time. "What decisions must I make to live godly this day?" or "How can I please myself?" Both are surface level things. When all the while there is a battle raging in some other realm. We go our merry way living in the Shire, unaware that the battle is on our doorstep and there is some part that we must play. Where is the urgency? In my new-found semi-Calvinistic ideas I lay down the Sovereignty card too often, ignoring any responsibility You've sovereignly laid on me.

But what is my post? If You tarry what would You have me do in this realm? How are we to fight the battle? Is it by "winning souls" as my fundamental conservative upbringing might say?? That is not ultimately the way You will win this war. The enemy can only be defeated by the King Himself. And You will defeat the enemy someday. But there are captives who need rescuing in the meantime, as though orcs could be rescued and brought to the good side before their destruction. "They were Elves once," as Saruman said. Maybe they could become Elves again.

If I know that all evil will one day be destroyed, love should constrain me to rescue all that can and will be rescued. The magic is the power of the Word, and the Holy Spirit. With all this in mind, why would I play around with sin, since it is the enemy's instrument?