Surprised by Love?

While cleaning the espresso machine at work today I was suddenly struck by this thought: "I love God."

How odd. I'm not sure how to describe it. It wasn't like the prepubescent friendship bracelets (that I despised) which proclaimed in neon pink "I <3 Jesus" just as easily as they could have said "I <3 Cats".

Nor was it a sudden revelation as though I'd never known that I loved Him before.

It was different. I thought, "I love God." I also knew He was telling me that He loved me, and that He was with me even in the tedious moment of cleaning the espresso machine.

I often find it difficult to say that I love God. I always feel like it has to be backed up by my actions. While that is true, it can easily turn into legalism. I'm beginning to think that loving God with my feelings and my actions is meant to be an endless circle, not a linear progression, or a discussion of which one is better. For example: I act like I love God, therefore I feel like I love God, therefore I act like I love God, therefore I feel like I love God, therefore. . . .

The problem is that I don't always act like I love God, which invalidates my feeling like I love God. That's like going the wrong direction in the circle. But rather than getting discouraged I should just turn around (repent) and start walking in the right direction again.

I guess that's what it was like today in front of that dirty espresso machine. I thought, "I love God," and suddenly I wanted to act like I love God. I realized all the ways that I haven't been acting like I love God. Sins of commission as well as omission. Rather than despairing, I wanted to make it right.

It was one of those moments of feeling His love for me, of Him coming up from behind me and surprising me with His presence.

It was also significant to realize that I love God, because (I'll admit it) as a single woman I often long for a man to love. Yet, He reminded me that in loving Him, my life is far from empty. . . it is as it should be.

I'm still struck by the peculiarity of it. I at work, suddenly having a very spiritual and worshipful moment, unbeknownst to the regular customer who was sitting at the counter behind me. How very significant though, that not long after that, this same customer, before he left, said, "Kristin, you're a religious person. . . what do you think about the war?" Wow. I wish I could say that I gave the most amazing answer, but I did bring God into the picture, and the Spirit enabled me to say things that I normally would have been too afraid to say.

So that's that. I needed to blog this. I needed to process through it some before going to bed.

[Note: I tried to find the perfect illustration for this post, but couldn't find what I was looking for. Picture either a gorgeous sunrise, or if you've seen the movie "Stardust" picture the way Yvaine looks when she is shining with love for Tristan.]