Daily Bread

It has been a long, long time since I have posted anything. In reality I have been on a life-changing journey since the last post, which ambiguously referred to the rekindling of an old flame. In short, I am a wife now. Sometime I should write the whole story of our romance, because God certainly gave us a romantic story. However, the idea of catching up is a little overwhelming to me at the moment, and it would be better to just pick up where I am right now.

Or where I have been for a while. That is, I am always a sparrow. You know, the little birds that God says He cares so much about, that need not sow nor reap nor gather into barns, yet our Heavenly Father feeds them? "Are you not of more value than they?" (Mt. 6:26).

 This morning I was struck by the phrase, "Give us this day our daily bread." I was thinking about the food we are going to eat today, groceries to buy later, and the steady paycheck that we use to buy the food. This past year (2012) has been very difficult with job changes and sometimes having to rely on savings for our weekly needs. Beloved's current job is not the most ideal, and we are seeking something different, but I am so thankful for the way God provided it just at the right time, and how He is using it to give us our daily bread. As I thought about the petition for daily bread that Christ was teaching to His disciples, my mind went to a time in which God literally provided daily bread for His children. They called it Manna! (Exodus 16) There was enough for everyone for just one day. If they tried to keep extra for the next day it would spoil. (The only time they could gather extra was the day before Rest.)

 I read Exodus 16 a couple weeks ago, and how I resonated with the daily provision. Yet we complain that we don't have what we think we should have. We want to be able to store up provisions so that we can rest securely on it, rather than resting on God. Not that it is wrong to have a surplus. . . I think He gives people extra at times for His different reasons. He also knows our hearts, and perhaps He gives us the lesson of daily manna to teach us to trust Him.
 To really trust Him.

And to be thankful.

Something Bigger than Me

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life, something Heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life, something Heavenly
Something Heavenly
~ Sanctus Real, "Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly)"

If we truly believe in God's sovereignty, we know that even the difficult times, even the heartaches are for His glory. Whether He is simply chipping away more of the rough edges or preparing us for some other earthly good. . . He is ultimately doing something heavenly, something glorious. We think we see so clearly what we want and how it is to be attained, but He IS the big picture. He does not just see the big picture, He IS the big picture.
So, I am thankful for what He is doing, whatever it is. Even though at times it feels like chaos. In perspective, if I can trust Him for my salvation, about which the Bible has a lot to say, I can certainly trust Him in all other aspects of life. He is my Hope, He is my Joy. I can trust Him to lead in this. I never thought He would lead me to this again, but here it is, and I can see His hand.
So, I choose to trust God. I choose to believe that His way is better than mine. I choose to believe that He is in complete control of my life, and I will surrender.

A Cemetery at Sunset and Thoughts about Eternity

It's a beautiful spring Saturday evening, and I am not spending it in social pursuits. Sometimes I just need to take a breather, get some space, and be reminded that I'm a human again, not some freakish machine that is somewhat similar to the energizer bunny.

So I took a nap, then went for a walk in the Dunmore Cemetery, which oddly enough is one of my favorite places right now. It's so peaceful and beautiful. My thoughts have space there, not to mention that it's hard to forget eternity when surrounded by countless graves and aging trees. Today I discovered that the Dunmore Cemetery is in full glory just before sunset; it's something about the way the valley is shaped and how the light hits everything at that time. It set me to thinking about the bodies that were buried there, and that they have seen their sunset. But the sun sets with a promise of rising again. Some of the bodies, though they have decayed, will see their sunrise and be renewed. Glory be to God who has prepared us for this, and to Christ who is the the firstfruit of the resurrection, and to the Spirit who is our guarantee.

"For we know that if the tent, which is our earthly home, is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. For in this tent we groan, longing to put on our heavenly dwelling, if indeed by putting it on we may not be found naked. For while we are still in this tent, we groan, being burdened--not that we would be unclothed, but that we would be further clothed, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. He who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who has given us the Spirit as a guarantee. So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight. Yes, we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So whether we are at home or away, we make it our aim to please him. For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may receive what is due for what he has done in the body, whether good or evil."
(2Cor 5:1-10)

Thinking of eternity is dangerous. it makes me have to evaluate my current path and way of living. What a nuisance. ;) What a Godsend. A few verses later Paul says that the love of Christ is what controls us, and that we do not live for ourselves, but for Him who for our sake died and was raised. Let that sink in.

"Therefore, knowing the fear of the Lord, we persuade others." I will try to take this statement as it is, and not allow guilt to weigh me down for my habitual passivity. I will claim God's promise as true that I am a new creation, and that He can work the changes necessary in me, and that He can work powerfully through me, in spite of me.

Wow. All this because God allowed me some time to get away, and to be at the right place at the right time. He is awesome.

Surprised by Love?

While cleaning the espresso machine at work today I was suddenly struck by this thought: "I love God."

How odd. I'm not sure how to describe it. It wasn't like the prepubescent friendship bracelets (that I despised) which proclaimed in neon pink "I <3 Jesus" just as easily as they could have said "I <3 Cats".

Nor was it a sudden revelation as though I'd never known that I loved Him before.

It was different. I thought, "I love God." I also knew He was telling me that He loved me, and that He was with me even in the tedious moment of cleaning the espresso machine.

I often find it difficult to say that I love God. I always feel like it has to be backed up by my actions. While that is true, it can easily turn into legalism. I'm beginning to think that loving God with my feelings and my actions is meant to be an endless circle, not a linear progression, or a discussion of which one is better. For example: I act like I love God, therefore I feel like I love God, therefore I act like I love God, therefore I feel like I love God, therefore. . . .

The problem is that I don't always act like I love God, which invalidates my feeling like I love God. That's like going the wrong direction in the circle. But rather than getting discouraged I should just turn around (repent) and start walking in the right direction again.

I guess that's what it was like today in front of that dirty espresso machine. I thought, "I love God," and suddenly I wanted to act like I love God. I realized all the ways that I haven't been acting like I love God. Sins of commission as well as omission. Rather than despairing, I wanted to make it right.

It was one of those moments of feeling His love for me, of Him coming up from behind me and surprising me with His presence.

It was also significant to realize that I love God, because (I'll admit it) as a single woman I often long for a man to love. Yet, He reminded me that in loving Him, my life is far from empty. . . it is as it should be.

I'm still struck by the peculiarity of it. I at work, suddenly having a very spiritual and worshipful moment, unbeknownst to the regular customer who was sitting at the counter behind me. How very significant though, that not long after that, this same customer, before he left, said, "Kristin, you're a religious person. . . what do you think about the war?" Wow. I wish I could say that I gave the most amazing answer, but I did bring God into the picture, and the Spirit enabled me to say things that I normally would have been too afraid to say.

So that's that. I needed to blog this. I needed to process through it some before going to bed.

[Note: I tried to find the perfect illustration for this post, but couldn't find what I was looking for. Picture either a gorgeous sunrise, or if you've seen the movie "Stardust" picture the way Yvaine looks when she is shining with love for Tristan.]

From Baking to Musing

I have a green thumb. And it's not because I'm good with plants. I just happened to touch green sprinkles when my hands were wet. I'm not sure why, but sometimes I just get in the mood to bake something. Nothing fancy. Just simple and sweet. Preferably something that I can make with the things I have on hand. I have a guess that it's because my sisters and I used to do the same thing growing up. Some evenings we would look at each other and say, "Wanna bake something?" and then we would thumb through mom's recipes to find something that didn't require an ingredient we didn't have. Sometimes we would take so long deciding that we never made anything at all. But it was fun. We learned important lessons like "Don't giggle while pouring ingredients," as well as not to forget very important ingredients. The best baking blunder was discovered by Mindy: "Don't pretend to throw an egg on the floor; it will slip through your fingers anyway."

So tonight, for whatever unknown reason, the itch to bake something came upon me. I thumbed through mine and my roommate's recipes, and almost gave up when I looked at the back of the Jiffy baking mix box. I found a simple sugar cookie recipe, and decorated them with Christmas sprinkles. Hence the green on my thumb and forefinger. They are done now, and they don't have quite the right consistency. Kind of a mix between pancake, biscuit, and cookie consistency. I guess that's what happens when you use Jiffy. But they are still good, and my itch is satisfied.

But this reminds me of something I've been thinking about recently: the itch that must be satisfied. I search for satisfaction in so many things. Thanksgiving was last week, and I knew that even with all the things I am thankful for that my heart is discontent in so many ways. In August it was "If only I had a job." God gave me a job. In September it was "If only I had a car." God gave me a car. Now through October and November it's been "If only I had a different job that actually involves music." I know it's significant the way I ache to be using music more in my life. . . God wired me that way. But I also can't help but look at the pattern and wonder if I'm just trying to satisfy the deeper longings that can only be satisfied by God Himself? I'll admit this as well: lately it has also been "If only there were a significant other in my life."

This is so wrong! It's like I'm looking at God as though He's holding out on me. I'm not trusting Him to know what is best for His purposes in my life. Notice, I didn't say "what is best for me." I think we often forget that God has greater purposes for us than merely our personal well-being. Yet, because we know that He is good, we know that His purposes are ultimately good even if they involve present difficulty, suffering, or pain. What I'm going through definitely does not qualify as pain or suffering. It might not even qualify as difficulty. There are people who truly are experiencing pain, suffering, and difficulty right now. And I sit here with food, clothing, a house, a car, a job, friends, the internet, and the list could go on. . . Discontent!!

Rather than asking God why He's holding out on me I should be asking Him why on earth He is being so good to me.

I need to remember the things He has tried to teach me before. What happened to the song I wrote with the words, "I will be satisfied in You alone. I will be satisfied cause my heart has a home." Or the song we used to sing in chapel, "There's only one place where I'll find what I'm looking for. There's only one true fountain that satisfies my soul. Only You, You're the fountain of living water. Only You satisfy my soul. You're the source of eternal pleasure. Only You satisfy my soul."

Yes, it would be great to be doing more with music right now. No, I don't want to be a waitress forever. Lord, You know. But my primary concern should be His kingdom and His righteousness. I know very well that that has not been the case. I know that my concern has been my personal satisfaction and well-being. Oh God, forgive me.

There is an itch that must be satisfied, but only our Maker can satisfy it. It's the hole that only He can fill. Funny that baking cookies could help remind me of that.

The Adventurous Life?

I can be so quick to jump at adventures that aren't so practical. What I need to realize is that I don't need to be in another country to be part of something great. I've been missing Asian countries, and then when I heard that the school where I taught in Korea is short on teachers next month something tugged at my heart. My heart also gets tugged at when I hear about the things happening in Israel. Yet, I felt a similar tug while driving through Scranton on a Sunday morning.
Father, may I be moved with compassion in the true sense of the word "moved."
I need to learn speak boldly as I ought to speak.
I also need to have a better understanding of adventure. It doesn't happen somewhere else.

Reflections on Isaiah 55

Why spend money on that which does not satisfy? Even food does not satisfy. Eat what is good: the rich food of God's words. Listen to Him. Delight in His words. Hear, that your soul may live. My soul's nourishment comes from His words. The wine and milk of His words have no price. How especially clear this is to me now that I am buying my own groceries, things that run out and have to be replaced.

I need to listen because His thoughts are as different from mine as the skies are far from the earth. The earth and skies really do not meet. Nomatter how high the highest mountains are, there is still so much sky soaring above them. So even the wisest, godliest person is wicked and in need of conforming his thoughts to God's.

The water that comes down from the sky does not return without doing some good. It nourishes the ground, allowing things to grow, allowing others to eat. That's why He sends His word. It's the bridge that spans the earth and sky. Bringing down His thoughts to us, nourishing us so that we can grow and so that others can eat of His goodness in us.

I read through Isaiah over a year ago, and I keep coming back to certain chapters. I finally figured out the connection between the illustrations in this chapter. It's tied together with the theme of His nourishing words.